“OOhhhh! I bit my lip. Can’t get loose with a lip that’s been bitten.”

After picking a runner off first, Twins pitcher Jose Mijares and infielder Trevor Plouffe finish off another perfect rundown.

Most fans around the country know Bert Blyleven as the colorful (perhaps off-color) Dutch pyromaniac who also happened to retire with the third-most strikeouts of all time.  Honkbal enthusiasts everywhere know Bert’s 12-6 curve (2:00 mark), his love of farting, and his legendary ability to surrender homers (96 allowed in a two-year span). But Twins fans know that his command of that knee-buckling curve is rivaled only by his command of the English language.

So in honor of our favorite fucking color analyst’s impending Hall of Fame induction, Battle Your Tail Off is counting down the best Blylevenisms! Sit back, enjoy, and ignore that growing heat on top of your foot. We’ve got 24 prime Blylevenisms set to come. Today, for your reading pleasure, we have a preview of the top-24 mixed with a few Blylevenisms that were left on the cutting-room floor, all presented in the style of Amiri Baraka’s play Dutchman.

The setting: A small broadcast booth in a baseball stadium. Several cameramen and film editors are nervously sitting around. A wholesome, Christian-looking man, DICK, is sitting with his back upright. It is unclear if DICK‘s hair is a toupee. Next to him sits BERT, who is obviously comfortable, chatting loudly with several of the cameramen about nothing in particular and using easy profanity, much to the obvious chagrin of the cameramen.

The scene starts as one of the cameramen begins to speak while cuing cheesy sports theme music.

CAMERAMAN: Okay, we are live in 5, 4, 3…

DICK: Welcome Twins fans to Baltimore. We’re here at Camden Yards for today’s game between the Twins and the Orioles. The Twins are on a three-game winning streak and looking to continue it today against Jeremy Guthrie. On the hill today for the Twins is Scott Baker.

DICK continues to drone on about the lineups and recent stats, etc. BERT appears distracted.

BERT: Flustered. Oh, we’re live? Jeremy Guthrie is going for Baltimore today. Came up with Cleveland in 2004. This is his fourth year at the Major League level. He’ll throw all four pitches, a fastball, a little slider, a curveball, and a very good changeup. So far on the year he is 3-1 with a very good 3.15 ERA. He won’t overwhelm you, but he’s got very good command. A control-type pitcher.

DICK begins to drone on again. The scene fades to the top of the second inning…

DICK: …drove in the winning run on Tuesday. And now here’s Rondell White with one out. Batting .115 on the year.

BERT: This is his fifteenth year at the Major League level.

DICK: Takes strike one on the outer half.

BERT: Good pitch right there. That’s a call you like to get as a pitcher. You want to work the ball on that outer half of the plate. He got on top of it and got that good downward plane.

DICK: Here’s the pitch.  Changeup, just a bit low. Ball one.

BERT: That’s what you want to do as a pitcher. Add and subtract, show that hitter different speeds right there.

DICK: Now Rondell fouls one off and out of play down the third-base line.

BERT: That’s an out in Oakland.

DICK: The pitch. In the dirt, two balls, two strikes.

BERT: 2-2 count. You want something to happen right here.

DICK: Is that a call?

BERT: I think it is.

DICK: Here’s the pitch. Little blooper, Roberts isn’t going to get to it. Base hit!

BERT: Duck fart! He just dropped the barrel of the bat and hit that ball the other way.

DICK: So the Twins with one gone have a runner on first.

The replay of Rondell’s hit comes on.

BERT: With that inside-out swing he just took it the other way. Just out of the reach of Roberts, a Rawlings Gold Glove winner.

DICK: Now here’s Jason Kubel.

BERT: Just came off of the disabullist. This is his third year at the Major League level.

DICK: Here’s the pitch. Swung on! A long drive!

BERT: Interrupting. TOMMYHAWK!

DICK: And that ball is gone! A two-run home run for Jason Kubel. And the Twins lead 2-0.

BERT: Kubel, with that upper-cut swing! Got a breaking ball and did not miss it.

The replay plays several more times.

BERT: Did I call that?

DICK: I thought you made the call during Rondell White’s at bat.

BERT: By my California math, I called it.

DICK: That…doesn’t make any sense.

BERT: Becoming irate. You are hereby circled.

DICK: What?

BERT: It’s only 74 days until my birthday. Buck Sherwalter!

DICK makes a cut signal to the cameramen across his neck.

BERT: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

BERT attempts to stab DICK with the sharp end of a broken maple bat. As the cameramen help DICK escape, BERT makes his way towards the Orioles’ broadcast booth.

Fade to black.

Fin.